“Holy Shit This Fudge Is Amazing” Fudge Recipe

We don’t really celebrate Christmas. I do giftmas, with a small G, because I like presents and good food, but it’s between November and February and you basically do whatever you want and hit all the sales you want and give presents to anyone you want (even yourself). But all the stores are closed today (Christmas Eve) and tomorrow, so there’s not much to do. I got myself some ingredients to make a nice dinner tomorrow, and a nice dessert tonight. Since the dessert is fudge it takes a night to get the right texture, so I made it tonight. I thought I screwed it up but now that I’ve tasted it? IT IS A MASTERPIECE. And here is the recipe.


2 12 oz bags of semisweet chocolate chips

1 7 oz bag sweetened coconut flakes

14 oz can sweetened condensed milk

pinch salt

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 tsp almond extract

1/2 tsp cayenne powder

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 to 1 cup chopped pecans

1 pair disposable gloves (optional)

Spray oil (Pam, whatever)

8×13 pan

parchment paper


Put the milk, extracts, cinnamon, cayenne powder, salt, and chips into a glass bowl big enough to eventually hold all the ingredients.  Microwave it for about a minute to a minute and a half. Get it out and stir.

Put it back in the microwave for about a minute and a half. Get it out and stir. Do this repeatedly until the texture of everything is like clay. When it’s all homogenized and clay-ey, get it out and add the nuts and coconut, put on your gloves, and start mixing it up. Pretend it’s meatloaf.

Spray the 8×13 pan with Pam. Line it with parchment paper. I guess you may not absolutely have to do both but I don’t like scraping stuff out of my pan.  You could theoretically also do this in between the heat/stir periods but I don’t feel like trying to fit it into that sentence group.

You may notice it looking super, super greasy. This is apparently OK. I started cursing because I thought I did something wrong (and technically I may have, I still don’t know), but I forged on. This fudge was not going to beat me!  Once the coconut and nuts are all mixed in,  scoop it into the pan onto the parchment paper. Spread it out as evenly as you can. It should reach all the way to the edges, it shouldn’t be too thick or you won’t be able to cut it later.

This was SUPER greasy so I blotted it with paper towels. I don’t know what happens if you don’t, but I guess you don’t have to do that. I was grossed out by all the oil on the top so I did, and it turned out fine. Do whatever you want. I’m a blotter.

If you are lucky, like me, it’s winter and night-time, and you have a nice patio table in a fenced yard with no bug issues so you can just leave it outside to cool for a while. I think it’s like 30 degrees out tonight, so it only had to cool for an hour or so. If you aren’t that lucky, try to make room for it in your fridge.

When it’s nice and firmed up bring it back inside (or take it out of the fridge) and pull the parchment paper sides and lift the fudge out. It should be a pretty solid chunk; I held it with one hand while I grabbed my giant cutting mat and then put it on there. I cut it into approximately 8 billion tiny inch-sized pieces with my pizza cutter.

Here is the result.


Shockingly, at least to me, THIS SHIT IS DELICIOUS. I love the texture the finely-chopped nuts and the coconut add. It’s like a delicious mounds bar only better, because the cinnamon and the cayenne give you a nice burn at the end.  This stuff is amazing and I plan on making it every year. Amazing.



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